At the Vatican
Six days were spent visiting the principal attractions of Rome; it was on the seventh I saw the greatest of them all, namely, Leo XIII. I had both longed for and dreaded that day! On it depended my vocation. The answer I was supposed to receive from the Bishop hadn’t arrived, and besides I learned from one of your letters, Mother, that he was no longer favorably disposed toward me. My only plank of salvation was in the permission of the Holy Father, but to obtain it I had to ask for it, I had to dare speak to the Pope in front of everybody. This thought made me tremble; what I suffered before the audience only God knows, along with my dear Céline. Never shall I forget the part she played in all my trials; it seemed my vocation was hers.
Our mutual love was noticed by the priests on the pilgrimage. One evening, we were in a large gathering and there were not enough chairs. Céline took me on her knees and we looked so lovingly at each other that one of the priests cried out: “How they love one another. Ah! nothing will be able to separate them!” Yes, we loved each other, but our affection was so pure and strong the thought of separation did not disturb us. We knew that nothing, not even the ocean, could place any distance between us. Céline was watching my little boat approach Carmel’s shore, and she was resigned to remain on the stormy sea of the world as long as God willed it. She was sure that she too would approach the same shore which was the object of her desires.
Sunday, November 20, after dressing up according to Vatican regulations, i.e., in black with a lace mantilla as headpiece, and decorated with a large medal of Leo XIII, tied with a blue and white ribbon, we entered the Vatican through the Sovereign Pontiff’s chapel. At eight o’clock in the morning our emotion was profound when we saw him enter to celebrate Holy Mass. After blessing the numerous pilgrims gathered round him, he climbed the steps of the altar and showed us through his piety, worthy of the Vicar of Jesus, that he was truly “the Holy Father.” My heart beat strongly and my prayers were fervent when Jesus descended into the hands of His Pontiff. However, I was filled with confidence, for the Gospel of the day contained these beautiful words: “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”147 No, I did not fear, I hoped the kingdom of Carmel would soon belong to me; I was not thinking then of those other words of Jesus: “And I appoint to you a kingdom even as my Father had appointed to me…”148 In other words, I reserve crosses and trials for you, and it is thus you will be worthy of possessing this kingdom after which you long; since it was necessary that the Christ suffer and that He enter through it into His glory,149 if you desire to have a place by His side, then drink the chalice He has drunk!150 This chalice was presented to me by the Holy Father and my tears mingled with the bitter potion I was offered.