Opposition of the Superior

I obtained, then, Uncle’s permission and a few days¹¹⁸ afterward went to see you, dear Mother. I told you of my joy at seeing that my trials were all over. What was my surprise and sadness when you told me that the Superior¹¹⁹ was not giving his consent to my entrance until I was twenty-one. No one had thought of this opposition, and it was the most insurmountable of all. Without giving up hope, however, I went myself with Papa and Céline to pay him a visit, trying to change his mind by showing I really had a Carmelite vocation.

He received us coldly; my incomparable little Father joined his insistence to mine but in vain. Nothing would change the Superior’s attitude. He told me there wasn’t any danger in staying at home, I could lead a Carmelite life there, and if I didn’t take the discipline all was not lost, etc., etc. He ended by saying he was only the Bishop’s delegate, and if the latter wished me to enter Carmel, he himself would have nothing to say.

I left the rectory in tears, and fortunately my umbrella was able to hide them as the rain was coming down in torrents. Papa was at a loss as to how to console me. He promised to accompany me to Bayeux the moment I expressed my desire to go there since I was determined to do all within my power, even saying I would go to the Holy Father if the Bishop did not want to allow me to enter at fifteen.

Many things happened before my trip to Bayeux;¹²⁰ exteriorly my life appeared to be as usual. I studied, took lesson in drawing from Céline,¹²¹ and my clever teacher recognized in me an aptitude for her art. Above all, I was growing in love for God; I felt within my heart certain aspirations unknown until then, and at times I had veritable transports of love.

One evening, not knowing how to tell Jesus that I loved Him and how much I desired that He be loved and glorified everywhere, I was thinking He would never receive a single act of love from hell; then I said to God that to please Him I would consent to see myself plunged into hell so that He would be loved eternally in that place of blasphemy. I realized this could not give Him glory since He desires only our happiness, but when we love, we experience the need of saying a thousand foolish things; if I talked in this way, it wasn’t because heaven did not excite my desire, but because at this time my heaven was none other than Love, and I felt, as did St. Paul, that nothing could separate us from the Divine Being who so ravished me!¹²²

Before I left the world, God gave me the consolation of contemplating at close range the souls of little children. As I was the youngest in the family, I never had experienced this happiness before. Here are the unfortunate circumstances that made it possible. A poor woman, a relative of our maid, died when still very young and left three very little children; during the woman’s illness, we took care of the two little girls; the older one was not yet six. I spent the whole day with them, and it was a great pleasure for me to see with what simplicity they believed everything I said. Holy baptism must implant a very deep seed of the theological virtues in souls since from childhood these virtues are already evident and since the hope of future goods suffices to have them accept sacrifices. When I wanted to see my two little ones reconciled to each other, instead of offering toys and candy to the one who gave in to the other, I spoke to them about the eternal rewards that little Jesus would give in heaven to good little children; the older one, whose reason was beginning to develop, looked at me with eyes that were bright with joy, asking me a thousand charming questions about little Jesus and His beautiful heaven and promising me enthusiastically always to give in to her sister. She said she would never in her life forget what the “big girl” told her; this was what she called me.

Seeing innocent souls at such close range, I understood what a misfortune it was when they were not formed in their early years, when they are soft as wax upon which one can imprint either virtue of vice. I understood, too, what Jesus said: “But whoever causes one of these little ones to sin, it were better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea” ¹²³ Ah! how many souls would have reached sanctity had they been well directed!

God has no need for anyone to carry out His work, I know, but just as He allows a clever gardener to raise rare and delicate plants, giving him the necessary knowledge for this while reserving to Himself the care of making them fruitful, so Jesus wills to be helped in His divine cultivation of souls.

What would happen were a clumsy gardener not to graft his bushes properly? If he was ignorant of the nature of each and wished to make roses bloom on peach trees? He’d cause the tree to die, which nevertheless had been good and capable of producing fruit. It’s in this way one should know from childhood what God asks of souls and second the action of His graces, without either advancing of holding it back. As little birds learn to sing by listening to their parents, so children learn the science of the virtues, the sublime song of Divine Love from souls responsible for forming them.

I remember having among my many birds a canary that sang beautifully. I had a little linnet too on which I lavished “maternal” cares as I’d adopted it before it was able to enjoy the happiness of freedom. This poor little prisoner had no parents to teach it to sing, but listening to its companion, the canary, rendering its joyful tunes from morning till night, the linnet wanted to imitate it. The undertaking was difficult, and its sweet voice had trouble matching the vibrant voice of its master in music. It was charming, however, to the poor little thing’s efforts, which were eventually crowned with success. His song, though much softer, was absolutely the same as that of canary.

It’s you who taught me how to sing, dear Mother. It’s your voice that charmed me in my childhood days, and now I have the consolation of hearing it said I resemble you! I know very well I’m far from this, but I trust in spite of my weakness to sing eternally the same Canticle as you do!