A giant’s course

Although God showered His grace upon me, it wasn’t because I merited them because I was still very imperfect. I had a great desire, it is true, to practice virtue, but I went about it in a strange way. Being the youngest in the family, I wasn’t accustomed to doing things for myself. Céline tidied up the room in which we slept, and I myself didn’t do any housework whatsoever. After Marie's entrance into Carmel, it sometimes happened that I tried to make up the bed to please God, or else in the evening, when Céline was away, I’d bring in her plants. But as I already said, it was for God alone I was doing these things and should not have expected any thanks from creatures. Alas, it was just the opposite. If Céline was unfortunate enough not to seem happy or surprised because of these little services, I became unhappy and proved it by my tears.

I was really unbearable because of my extreme touchiness; if I happened to cause anyone I loved some little trouble, even unwittingly, instead of forgetting about it and not crying, which made matters worse, I cried like a Magdalene and then when I began to cheer up, I’d begin to cry again for having cried. All arguments were useless; I was quite unable to correct this terrible fault. I really don’t know how I could entertain the thought of entering Carmel when I was still in the swaddling clothes of a child!

God would have to work a little miracle to make me grow up in an instant, and this miracle He performed on that unforgettable Christmas day. On that luminous night which sheds such light on the delights of the Holy Trinity, Jesus, the gentle, little Child of only one hour, changed the night of my soul into rays of light. On that night when He made Himself subject to weakness and suffering for love of me, He made me strong and courageous, arming me with His weapons. Since that night I have never been defeated in any combat, but rather walked from victory to victory, beginning, so to speak, “to run as a giant”!⁹² The source of my tears was dried up and has since reopened rarely and with great difficulty. This justified what was often said to me: “You cry so much during your childhood, you’ll no longer have tears to shed later on!”