A real bazaar

As soon as I learned of Marie’s determination, I resolved to take no pleasure out of earth’s attraction. Since my leaving the boarding school, I set myself up in Pauline’s old painting room⁸⁷ and arranged it to suit my taste. It was a real bazaar, an assemblage of pious objects and curiosities, a garden, and an aviary. Thus, at the far end on the wall was a big cross in black wood, without a corpus, and several drawings I liked. On another wall, a basket, decorated with muslin and pink ribbons, contained some delicate herbs and flowers. Finally, on the last wall, was enthroned all by itself the portrait of Pauline at the age of ten. Beneath the portrait was a table and upon it was a large cage which enclosed a great number of birds; their melodious song got on the nerves of visitors but not on those of their little mistress who cherished them very much. There was also the “little white piece of furniture” filled with my school books and copybooks, and on it was set a statue of the Blessed Virgin, along with vases always filled with natural flowers, and candles. Around the statue were a number of small statues of the saints, little baskets made out of shells, cardboard boxes, etc.! My garden was suspended in front of the window, and there I cultivated pots of flowers (the rarest I could find). I also had on the inside of “my museum” a flower stand on which I placed my privileged plant. In front of the window was a table covered with a green cloth, and in the center were an hourglass, a small statue of St. Joseph, a watchcase, baskets of flowers, an inkwell, etc. A few rickety chairs and a beautiful doll’s cot belongings to Pauline completed my furnishings.

Truly, this poor attic was a world for me and like M. de Maistre I could compose a book entitled: “A Walk Around My Room.” It was in this room I loved to stay alone for hours on end to study and medicate before the beautiful view which stretched out before my eyes. When I learned of Marie’s departure, my room lost its attraction for me and I didn’t want to leave for one instant the dear sister who was to fly away soon. What acts of patience I made her practice! Each time I passed in front of the door of her room, I knocked until she opened it and I embraced her with all my heart. I wanted to get a supply of kisses to make up for all the time I was to be deprived of them. A month before her entrance into Carmel, Papa brought us to Alençon,⁸⁸ but this trip was far from resembling the first; everything about it was sadness and bitterness for me. I cannot express the tears I shed on Mama’s grave because I had forgotten to bring the bouquet of cornflowers I had gathered especially for her. I really made a big fuss over everything! I was just the opposite of what I am now, for God has given me the grace not to be downcast at any passing thing. When I think of the past, my soul overflows with gratitude when I see the favors I received from heaven. They have made such a change in me that I don’t recognize myself. It is true that I desired the grace “of having absolute control over my actions, of not being their slave but their mistress.”⁸⁹ These words of the Imitation touched me deeply, but I had to buy, so to speak, this inestimable grace through my desires; I was still only a child who appeared to have no will but that of others, and this caused certain people in Alençon to say I had a weak character. It was during this trip that Léonie made her attempt to enter the Poor Clares.⁹⁰ I was saddened by her extraordinary entrance, for I loved her very much and I hadn’t even the chance to kiss her before her departure.