Malady of scruples

I see I am far from my subject and hasten to return to it. The year following my First Communion passed almost entirely without any interior trials for my soul. It was during my retreat for the second Communion⁷⁷ that I was assailed by the terrible sickness of scruples. One would have to pass through this martyrdom to understand it well, and for me to express what I suffered for a year and a half would be impossible. All my most simple thoughts and actions became the cause of trouble for me, and I had relief only when I told them to Marie. This cost me dearly, for I believed I was obliged to tell her the absurd thoughts I had even about her. As soon as I laid down my burden, I experienced peace for an instant; but this peace passed away like a lightning flash, and soon my martyrdom began over again. What patience my dear Marie needed to listen to me without showing any annoyance! Hardly had I returned from the Abbey when she began to curl my hair for the next day (for every day, to please Papa, the little Queen had her hair curled, who did not see children so coddled by their parents), and during the sitting, I did not stop crying while telling all my scruples.