What I suffered

As I said, Marie had guessed that the Blessed Virgin had given me some hidden grace. When I was alone with her and she asked me what I had seen, I was unable to resist her very tender and pressing questions; astonished at seeing my secret discovered without my having revealed it, I confided it entirely to my dear Marie. Alas! just as I had felt, my happiness was going to disappear and change into bitterness. The memory of the ineffable grace I had received was a real spiritual trial again until I was kneeling at the feet of Our Lady of Victories.⁶⁰ At this time, my happiness was restored to me in all its fullness. I shall talk later on about this second grace of the Blessed Virgin. At preset I shall explain, my dear Mother, how my joy was changed into sadness.

Marie, after having heard the simple and sincere recital of “my grace,” asked me for permission to tell it at Carmel, and I could not say no. On my first visit to this dear Carmel, I was filled with joy when seeing my Pauline with the habit of the Blessed Virgin. It was a sweet moment for both of us. There were so many things to say that I couldn’t say anything at all, my heart was too full. Good Mother Marie de Gonzague was there also, giving me a thousand signs of affection; I saw the other Sisters, and in their presence I was questioned about the grace I had received. They asked me if the Blessed Virgin was carrying the Child Jesus, or if there was much light, etc. All these questions troubled me and caused me much pain, and I was able to say only one thing: “The Blessed Virgin had appeared very beautiful, and I had seen her smile at me,” It was her countenance alone that had struck me, and seeing that the Carmelites had imagined something else entirely (my spiritual trial beginning already with regard to my sickness), I thought I had lied. Without any doubt, if I had kept my secret I would also have kept my happiness, but the Blessed Virgin permitted this torment for my soul’s good, as perhaps without it I would have had some thought of vanity, whereas humiliation becoming my lot, I was unable to look upon myself without a feeling of profound horror. Ah! what I suffered I shall not be able to say except in heaven!